January 26

So we've come to this day again.
The one day centered around most of the pain and the most of my happiness for the last two years.
Today went as I thought it would. I would be tricked into thinking everything would be okay, but at the last moments, everything falls apart.
I don't know exactly why on earth all this shit has to happen. I don't know why any thing matters. I don't know why I matter. I DON'T understand.

I feel like the world is revolving around me, but I'm left completely untouched. My life doesn't change. Everyone and everything around me is constantly moving and changing, but I'm stick in the center getting dizzy.

At the beginning of this school year, I realized that I was happy. I thought things were changing. I thought everything was looking up and everything would be okay.
It only took a little bit of time for everything to plummet down again.
Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a challenge.
There is this whole mask covering up everything I feel. I can't let my mask down in front of anyone. I guess I'm good at keeping everything a secret because it's hard for anyone to see past it.

I feel like everyday is a constant reminder that I'm not happy.
There are few things in my life that bring me pure happiness, and for those things I'm extremely grateful for. My friends are those lovely rays of sunshine.

I'm working on my own happiness, but I feel like I keep getting tripped and end up falling.
Once I get up again and start walking, someone sticks their foot out and I fall once again and scrape my knee.


So here is to you January 26, I hate you.