January 26

So we've come to this day again.
The one day centered around most of the pain and the most of my happiness for the last two years.
Today went as I thought it would. I would be tricked into thinking everything would be okay, but at the last moments, everything falls apart.
I don't know exactly why on earth all this shit has to happen. I don't know why any thing matters. I don't know why I matter. I DON'T understand.

I feel like the world is revolving around me, but I'm left completely untouched. My life doesn't change. Everyone and everything around me is constantly moving and changing, but I'm stick in the center getting dizzy.

At the beginning of this school year, I realized that I was happy. I thought things were changing. I thought everything was looking up and everything would be okay.
It only took a little bit of time for everything to plummet down again.
Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a challenge.
There is this whole mask covering up everything I feel. I can't let my mask down in front of anyone. I guess I'm good at keeping everything a secret because it's hard for anyone to see past it.

I feel like everyday is a constant reminder that I'm not happy.
There are few things in my life that bring me pure happiness, and for those things I'm extremely grateful for. My friends are those lovely rays of sunshine.

I'm working on my own happiness, but I feel like I keep getting tripped and end up falling.
Once I get up again and start walking, someone sticks their foot out and I fall once again and scrape my knee.


So here is to you January 26, I hate you.

Fuck it.

I'm glad you see through me.

I guess there's not much to see anyways.
I don't get how you could be so dumbfoundly BLIND.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to understand how someone could be so unaware of what's right in front of their face for so fucking long.

It's not even funny how often you wish for something when you have it all along.

I love you 5

Have you ever thought that maybe fate somehow fell short? Like, maybe something was suppose to happen but something messed with the universe and it didn't happen?
I've been feeling like that more and more lately. I've been feeling like something should've happened before in my life, but it was sidetracked into changing the whole thing.
But then I think... What would have happened if it hadn't?
I would really like to know how much my life would have changed if things would have happened differently. I'm happy with the way things are, but it's just the thought that things could be so different.
Even the smallest thing that could have changed, EVERYTHING would be different now. It's such a complicated thought.
Things come down to just the decisions you make. Like, one decision can effect the rest of your life, no matter how small or big. It's kinda crazy. It's kinda a scary thought.

That whole entire thought came up because of a Blink 182 song. You know. "Feeling This".
I kinda love the lines "Fate fell short this time; your smile fades in the summer. Place your hand in mine; I'll leave when I wanna."
I love Blink 182 in general (:

Oh my. Tomorrow is the 26th of January. >.<
That's kinda a good and day bad day in my past.
It's such a happy memory, but it's the reason why I'm so... blah now. For two years. Ugh.
Certainly be expecting a blog for tomorrow. No doubt about it. I have no idea if it's gonna be a happy one or a bad one. Most likely a bad one. Fuck.

Hahaha. OH WELL. That's life. It's gone by long enough.
Let's be done with this shit for life. Let's make it okay. Let's smile. Let's not live in the past. Move forward.

OH, so I got my SocialVibe pink ball :D WOO! I'm pretty excited about it. I sent my request to get my bracelets, so I should be getting them sometime in the future.

Never Shout Never's new album got leaked :X and yes, I downloaded it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's great :D I love the song 'I Love You 5' (As you can tell from the title of this blog) (;
Hahaha.

Anyways. I think this is good enough.
Once again, be expecting a blog tomorrow.
Too-da-loo (:

I'll make you smile

If you'd only let me in.
Let me take away you're pain.
I'll never make you feel this way.
But you'll never know this way.

The Lovely Bones

Today I went to see the movie The Lovely Bones. It was good. It wasn't as good as the book, of course, but still. It was a good movie. I liked the effects.
It's such a sad story. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I mean, on both sides. On Susie's side. She was raped and murdered. Waking up one day, not knowing that it would be her last day to live her life. She was only 14 years old. So much that could have been done.
Then there was her family. Her poor father. He seemed so lost without his daughter. His first born. His own piece of him. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child so young. Then to live across the street from the man who took her from him. THEN, feeling like everyone is giving up on her and him.

It brings me to the thought, "What if you could wake up one day, and all the bad things would go away, and everything would just go right again?"
Every day is a new day, they say. But every day is affected by the day before.
Life can be like the domino effect. You spend a while trying to build it up, but it only takes one domino to fall to knock down them all. Then, once they've all fallen, you can choose to pick them all back up again, or walk away and leave them all on the floor.

Sometimes you get lucky though. Sometimes the line wasn't completely even, and one domino misses the other. So it doesn't take as long to put the rest back up again.

And the sad part is, I know if I got what I wanted all the time, there are other people that would lose what they have, what they love. I don't have the heart to take what they have in my own selfishness, because I know I wouldn't want that to happen to me.

Then, when there are people who don't understand how you're feeling and they think you're going crazy. They tell you to give up, because you'll never get what you want. That's the worst. No one wants reassurance that they'll never get that.
Helping them cope through it, and reminding them that things will get better again. That's what they want. To know that even though life may suck right now, it will get better.

For any kind of pain, a smile is the best medicine <3

El-oh-vee-ee

Sorry for the severe lack of blogs lately :(
I'm having writer's block.

I feel like I'm writing about love too much. But I can't help it, you know? And I know it's no big deal because this is MY blog and I'm allowed to say whatever I want and how what I'm feeling. But I don't know what else to talk about.
And love... wow. Love is just one of those complicated emotions that is hard to go through by yourself, but in a way... you have to. Although so many people feel and know what love is, it's extremely hard to describe and is almost impossible to compare.
As easy as it is to talk about it with other people, you really don't know exactly what that person is feeling. It's so complicated, which is why I guess I like to talk about it. Because it's so complicated that you can never run out of things to say about it.
But when I talk about it, I don't feel like I can ever find the right words to describe it.
I've looked up and read into the word "love" and everything I've read is right in a way, but I feel like it just goes deeper than that. So much deeper.
It's one emotion that you can't put into words.
It's as much pain as it is happiness. It's as much a burden as it is easy. It's so easy to love someone, but so hard to love someone.

GAH.
So complicated.

Anyways, I leave you with this.
"Love is not only blind, but a fool, a stumbling mess falling backwards through showroom doors into atmospheres unwelcoming of his presence."
-Alex Gaskarth.

This is driving me insane.

You take my breath away.