Take this all the way, anyway you want to.

I'm almost positive this is the last blog post of 2010.
I'll just say... I'm a new girl.

Here's to you, 2011.
Don't suck.

I walk a fine line between the right and the real.

I'm not gonna stop feeling; I'm not gonna forget it.

You say it's easier to burn than to build.
You say it's easier to hurt than to heal.
But I say you lose when you give up what you love,
and I've lived my life without you long enough.

So...

I won't do what you told me.
I won't do what you said, no.
I'm not gonna stop feeling.
I'm not gonna forget it.
I don't wanna start over.
I don't wanna pretend that
you are not my lover;
that you're only my friend.

Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass.

They told me I was lucky
To have my chance with you.
Now, last year’s summer romance
Is this year’s winter blues.
I treated you so nicely
To jewelry and champagne,
But you left me empty handed, yeah,
You left me feeling play-ay-ayed.

Now, I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing.
Don’t you think it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart
Like wrapping paper trash.
So I wrote you a song,
Hope that you sing along
And it goes, “Merry Christmas,
Kiss my ass.”

You say I’m losing my mind,
I thought that for a while.
I tear down decorations;
They remind me of your smile.
I hate that mistletoe, it makes me
Think of our first kiss.
You bit my lip, you pulled me close
And then you taught me how to quit.

Now, I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing.
Don’t you think it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart
Like wrapping paper trash.
So I wrote you a song,
Hope that you sing along
And it goes, “Merry Christmas,
Kiss my ass.”

I’m so sick of calling, you won't telephone me.
No, fuck you girl, I’m going out.
I gave you my all, but our love hit a wall now.
I’m jingle belling, and everyone’s yelling.
We’ll drink till the bars shut us down.
Ain't that just what Christmas is all about.

And I hope, hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing.
Don’t you think it’s so damn trashy
What you did this holiday? (So trashy!)
I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart
Like wrapping paper trash. (Wrapping paper trash)
So I wrote you a song,
Hope that you sing along.
Here it goes, “Merry Christmas, bitch.
Kiss my ass.”

All I need is you.

There is just something about a 2 hour phone conversation with your best friend in the middle of the night that just makes the whole world seem alright.

All you wanted was somebody who cares.

Sometimes I forget why I even try to hard so make you happy. Especially when you really don't appreciate it and you often take it for granite.
But then I'll remember in a little while that I do it because you need it. You need someone to be there for you and someone you can count on, because you hardly have that with anyone else.

Even if I can't be everything you've ever wanted...

at least I can say I tried.

Not to say I'm not happy doing things for you, and not saying you don't appreciate it often. Just know that I will always be there. I'm not going anywhere.
I know you love me as much as I love you.

This is what the world is for; making electricity.

I said ooh girl, shock me like an electric eel. Baby girl, turn me on with your electric feel.

You're better off without me.

Tell me where our time went,
and if it was time well spent.
Just don't let me fall asleep
feeling empty again.

'Cause I fear I might break,
and I fear I can't take it.
Tonight I'll lie awake feeling empty.

I can feel the pressure.
It's getting closer now.
We're better off without you.
I can feel the pressure.
It's getting closer now.
We're better off without you.

Now that I'm losing hope,
and there's nothing else to show
for all of the days that we spent
carried away from home.

Some things I'll never know,
and I had to let them go.
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty.

You.

I wonder if you read this, if you knew it's about you...

But I'll never tell you.

C'est la vie.

My loneliness ain't killin' me no more.

I can't call it christmas without someone to smile about .

I'm making a list, hell, I'll check it twice,
of all the things you've done in my life.
Then I'll send it your way,
so you see why I love you.

Who would've thought that someone like me
could've fallen in love so easily?
I know that you know that I know what I want.
I know I can't have it but give it a thought.
I know that it sounds crazy, baby.
But all I do is think of you.

Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?

Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas,
I won't even wish for snow.
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
underneath the mistletoe.

I won't make a list and send it
to the North Pole for Saint Nick.
I won't even stay awake to
hear those magic reindeer click.

'Cause I just want you here tonight,
holding on to me so tight.
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you.

You won't know.

I'll stand as still as you need,
'cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack.
But you're the apple of my eye anyway.

This one is for you., you, and you

"I am sorry I wished they would eat you alive, and they did.

Those bad decisions make good stories.

I dream about you every night.

In one of these dreams, you forgive me."



"In the areas of my heart there a few things I really, really want. When I get them I inevitably can be seen running full speed in the opposite direction. If you promise to love someone forever, I am well aware that one of two outcomes are imminent:

I will lose them.

or

I will die.


Both equally unbearable."

I'm captivated by you, baby, like a firework show.

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm,
and I'm a house of cards.
You're the kind of reckless
that should send me runnin',
but I kinda know that I won't get far.
And you stood there in front of me
just close enough to touch.
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
what I was thinking of.

Drop everything now.
Meet me in the pouring rain.
Kiss me on the sidewalk,
take away the pain.
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.
Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down.
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around.
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

"And I can't... I can't ever wake up."

Don't you breathe for me,
undeserving of your sympathy.
'Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did.

And through it all,
how could you cry for me?
'Cause I don't feel bad about it.
So shut your eyes.
Kiss me goodbye...
and sleep.
Just sleep.

The hardest part is letting go of your dreams.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light,
I'll put his picture down
...and maybe get some sleep tonight."


I wish it was me in your arms.

Memories that fade like photographs.

This is one of those moments where I wish I could go back and tell myself back when I was younger how my life turned out. I just want to see what my face would look like. I wouldn't hold back. I'd say everything.

I'd start at about 7th grade. I'd tell myself about how much I changed that year and how different I am. I'd tell myself who my best friend was and about the fun little slumber parties we had at her house. I'd explain the significance of the word "Applebottom" to myself.
I'd tell myself about my 8th grade year and how amazing my first concert was. I'd tell myself to enjoy middle school all I can, because the day it ends begins the craziest journey of my life...drastically.
I'd tell myself about the summer that my life completely changed. I'd tell myself who my best friend would end up being and how we became friends. I'd also explain how I lost my old best friend. I never would have believed myself. I would have laughed straight in my face and said "No way. You're lying." I'd tell myself about my roller coaster emotions. I'd tell myself about that horrible babysitting job I had. I'd tell myself the stories about how awful the children were and how upset I'd get when I went home because of them.
I'd tell myself about my freshman year, and how crazy Mrs. Wiggins was. I'd tell myself about the new friends I made and how high school really isn't bad. I'd tell myself about how sad I was when my best friend moved away in the middle of the year. I'd tell myself about the awful breakdown I had near the end of the year. But I'd cheer myself up by reminding me that they came back every other weekend, was my date to prom, and moved back that summer.
I'd tell myself about my sophomore year, and how BCIS was the best class ever. I'd tell myself how amazing Uncrustables are. I'd tell myself about the worst fight I've ever gotten into with a friend, but how everything was resolved and is perfect again. I'd also go on about how nice it is to have a drivers license.
I'd tell myself about the summer that changed me a lot. I'd tell myself about the first time I snuck out. I'd tell myself about the countless, hot summer days spent driving around and blaring music with my best friend. I'd tell myself about my first kiss.
I'd tell myself how stressful and how awful Junior year is. I'd tell myself about my second kiss and how much better it was. I'd complain about how much homework I have. I'd explain how HARD school is and how much I hate it. I'd tell myself about the little scares I've faced.

Well, there isn't much I could tell myself after that because that's exactly where I'm at.
After I tell my young self all of that and saw the expression on my little innocent face, I'd erase my little mind and let me experience it all over again.
No matter how hard my life has been, and how surprising everything turned out to be...
I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sleazy.

Sometimes I forget you're exactly like all the other guys.
I guess in my mind I choose not to believe it.
But, when it's brought to my attention I just laughed it off.
Although I'm actually really disappointed on the inside.

Say you'll never, ever. Say you'll never let me go.

"Hold me, hold me..."
"If I were to..."
"I can't, can't, I swear I can't let you."
"It's all in your hands but I'll do what I can, so you can do what you have to."

For my own entertainment.

This is one of those quiz things where you put your iTunes on shuffle and see what you get. I swear I will not cheat by skipping any songs (: Here we go...

How am I feeling today?
Addicted by Simple Plan

Will I get far in life?
Come Undone by Vanessa Carlton

How do my friends see me?
Like A Virgin by Madonna
(Seriously, guys. Really now?)

Where will I get Married?
Hummingbird by Nevershoutnever!

What is my best friend's theme song?
A Different Side Of Me by Allstar Weekend
(I promise I'm really embarrassed that I have that on my iTunes. It was for the kids I was babysitting. I swear.)

What is the story of my life?
Don't Be So Hard by The Audition
(Ooooh, I love that song <3333)

What is/was highschool like?
22 by Lily Allen

How can I get ahead in life?
Last Chance to Loose Your Keys by Brand New

What is the best thing about me?
It's All I Can Do by The Cars

How is today going to be?
Egyptian Musk by Head Automatica

What is in store for this weekend?
It's Almost Halloween by Panic! at the Disco
(Lol, no guys. That was last month.)

What song describes my parents?
Good Day by The Click Five

To describe my grandparents?
Seasons by The Academy Is...

How is my life going?
Grenade Jumper by Fall Out Boy

What song will they play at my funeral?
Perfect by Alanis Morissette
(Oh nice!)

How does the world see me?
Molasses by The Hush Sound

Will I have a happy life?
Colorz by New Boyz
(I promise you that is an awful album right there)

What do my friends really think of me?
Pussy All Night by Mindless Self-Indulgence
(Thanks guys, again.)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Chick Flick Tears by Go Periscope

How can I make myself happy?
If The Moon Fell Down by Chase Coy ft. Colbie Caillat

What should I do with my life?
Come In With The Rain by Taylor Swift

Will I ever have children?
Hollow by The Friday Night Boys

What is some good advice for me?
Nothing New by Ashlee Simpson

How will I be remembered?
A Higher Plane by Kate Nash

What is my signature dancing song?
Take Your Breath Away by You Me At Six

What do I think my current theme song is?
You're A Jerk by New Boyz
(Still an awful CD)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Stay Young by We The Kings

What type of men/women do you like?
I'm On A Boat by The Lonely Island

More than you, more than me. Not a want, but a need.

I don't want to hold you back...
but I want you here...


with me.

Why do you build me up just to break me down?

You're just a let down, another one of my mistakes. I never loved you anyway. I never did, and I never will.

Used and abused, baby.

Now I know what a fool I've been. But if you kiss me now, I know you'd fool me again.

My best friend.

I'm only me when I'm with you.

The only sound worse than my own tears are the tears of my best friend.

Dark out, but you still gotta light up.

It's days like these when I remember exactly the reason why I love you.
These are the days I'll never forget.


Even when I'm in the worst mood, you bring out the best in me.


You are my everything <3

No matter what.

It was enchanting to meet you.

Please don't be in love with someone else.
Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

The thought of you leaving ain't so easy for me.

I never thought I would feel like this toward another person... ever.


You proved me wrong.

...I lied.

I swore I'd never hurt like this again.

Hey you.

I'm determined to make you mine.

Goodbye to you.

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Do-wah-do.

It's so pathetic that nothing has given me inspiration to write a blog anymore.
Ever since school started I've barely touched my blog.

During the summer so many exciting things were happening.
Now that school has started... nothing.

It's BAD!

Like seriously. I don't even have enough energy to find a picture for this blog.

One of those nights.

Junior year is kicking my butt :|
It's so hard, and I hardly have any time to blog ever.
Every night I'm up late doing homework and studying.

Nothing really with a relationship.
Same thing typically.
Like someone, doesn't work out.
Youuuu knowwww.

Oh well.
I'm partying with Jac tomorrow night.

I need sleep now.
I took a two hour nap when I got home from school today and I'm already tired again.

I'm gonna finish my physics homework, study my medical terms for HOSA, do whatever else needs to be done...
then SLEEP!

That is assuming Jesus doesn't call me ;D
Lololololol.

Btw, I'm 17 now (:
AMAZING birthday. Nothing went wrong.
No hurricanes, no fights, no anything wrong!
YAY!

And one more thing,
I've fallen in love with Bruno Mars.


Yesssss.

NIGHT <3

You.

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid
You're never satisfied
Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just
A cannibal
And I'm afraid
I won't get out alive
I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of
My heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart
Tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's getting heavy
And I wanna run
And hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be
Denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush The world is quiet
Hush, hush We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

Here we go again [3x]

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting

Here we go again [3x]
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

I just REALLY like you.

It's you. You, you, you.

Please love me back?

I've learned.

"I've learned... that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned... that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned... that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned... that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned... that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned... that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned... that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned... that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned... that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned... that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned... that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned... that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned... that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned... that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned... that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned... that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned... that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned... that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned... that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned... that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned... that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned... that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned... that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon."

A fever you can't sweat out.

By putting my iTunes on shuffle, I was quickly brought back to my past. Simply looking for a song to listen to, I was instantly thrown back into my old thought process and a long stream of amazing memories.
Panic! At The Disco.
That's all I have to say.
They threw me back into who I use to be. I constantly forget how much they mean to me. I always forget what they've done for me. Things that I can't repay. They were kind of my safety blanket for a long time. When something was wrong, when something was good, when I was happy, sad, mad, ect, they were there. They were my heroes. They basically made me who I am today.
They were the ones who introduced me to my love of music. They made music my life. From the first song I had heard, I was a different person. They literally changed me. It was amazing.
I listen to their first album "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out", which is still and will always be my favorite album of all time, and I remember who I was. It brings back memories crystal clear.
For months, that was the only album and the only songs I listened to.
I remember listening to their album, while spending the night with my old best friend, sitting on her floor, talking about boys, talking about music.
I remember sitting on her floor, eating cookies and snocones, and talking about what we wanted to be for Halloween that year. I remember sitting up all night listening to that album and talking about the most random things ever until 6 AM.
I remember the first band shirt I got. It was a light blue Panic! At The Disco shirt. with a girl on the front smoking a cigarette.
I remember being so madly in love with Brendon Urie that I couldn't think straight. I was such a... I don't even know. A fangirl, really.
I could, and still can, sing their whole album, word for word, in my sleep.
I remember not understanding a word they were talking about until I googled what the words meant.
They expanded my vocabulary, to say the least.
I would sit up all night watching music videos, interviews, and anything I could find about them on youtube.
They literally were my life.
Then, thanks to them, I began listening to more bands related to them. I expanded more into their record label and all the bands I still adore to this day.
I can look back at their pictures and still remember who they use to be. I remember who I use to be.
After their second album came out, of course I loved it. I still do. But it was NOTHING compared to what AFYCSO is.
As they changed as a band, I began changing as a fan. I distanced myself from them, more into other bands and other albums.
Now that Ryan and Jon are gone... well... I don't think that band will ever be the same. Brendon and Spencer will continue being Panic! At The Disco, but they won't ever be the old P!ATD that I worshiped.

Every rose has it's thorn.

Though it's been a while now,
I can still feel so much pain.
Like a knife that cuts you,
the wound heals.

But that scar...
that scar remains.

So much for my happy ending.

I'm sorry I can't be your other half.

It's what I'm here for.

As long as I'm here,
you'll never be alone.

Welcome to my life.

It's not like you need me anymore.
I understand.

She likes to be my bitter-sweet love.

I feel like complete shit tonight.
And things just aren't looking up.

You belong with me.

I LOVE YOU.







It's the hardest secret to keep.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first.

Today, my eyes were opened.
Today, I saw more than normal.
Today, I was opened up to, more so than usual.
Today, I saw something different.

I've seen the same things, plenty of times you know, but today... it actually mattered to me.

We're all faced with the challenge of finding who we're suppose to be in the cycle of growing up.
Let's be honest... it's quite a test.

Today, I understood a few parts of the growing up process.

The first part I witnessed was love. Love for another person. In more than one situation. It made the quote "Just because you love something, or someone- doesn't always mean that if you fight for it, you will win." (-Keltie Colleen) run through my mind. God has a funny (or not so funny) way of giving love, and taking it away. In that war of love, I can honestly say I've got more battle-scars that I'm comfortable admitting. But, I'm not the only one with these "battle-scars". Many of us have fought that battle, and ended up empty handed. Yet, even when we crash and burn, we can't help but hang on.



The second part I witnessed was the brick wall set up in us. The fight to keep others out in our own attempt of keeping ourselves together. It's the guard we set up to keep others from viewing us as weak, and to keep ourselves from breaking down. It's not to hide who we are, but what we feel. Not shutting others out, but lessening the impact on our own emotions. I've been there. I built up the wall when I knew something was going to smash it down. When the blow hit, I wouldn't feel pain. I would be numb to the agony. I'm not the only one who sets up this boundary to be viewed as the happier person. I've learned this.



The third part I've witnessed was viewing all of someone. Viewing everything they are. Stripped down, bare to the bone. I saw everything of them, and I liked it. It matters.

"I feel more alive when I am dying, just a little inside."

I met a new one and he looks just like you...

"You were a hard scar to heal, my love. That was some war your fought to stay under my skin.

'I miss you' still affects me. I guess that is just the long-flowing aftermath of love. You watch the ones who promised to love you forever love someone else. Maybe they miss you. Maybe they are just selfish. Maybe they are just as happy as they are pretending. Maybe they are secretly unhappy and wish things were different. Who knows?


Love doesn't end. Love just floats around in between all the messy stuff life throws at us: people, places, situations and ego. The realization that you weren't validated by someone capable of seeing your true greatness can be hard on your heart.


I say, revel at the unfourtunate limit of their vision.

Poor them, they couldn't see just how bright of a light you were in their life and now you are busy shining for someone else.

Yay you!!! You are a total babeface with a hot career and a pair of killer legs! (or insert your three nice things about yourself...)who is SOOO cool infact that mr. matt nathanson has agreed to come onto your radio show on monday night!

I said I would love you forever. I meant I would love you until I loved someone else."

-Keltie Colleen <3

Don't ever look back.

Teenage dream.

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a floor out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back