Back to blogging.

As if you couldn't tell from my posts from the last couple years, my luck with boys literally sucks. I know we all have our problems with relationships and love life but I'm almost 1000% sure that I've got worse than most. For some reason guys have always given me the "I just think of you as a friend" excuse. But I mean, really? Do you really only think of me as a friend? Then, you complain about how you can't find a girl who loves you like you love them. You don't understand why girls don't give you a chance and complain about how you would "make the perfect boyfriend" but no one gives you a shot. Bullshit, my "friend". BULLSHIT. I literally tell you I have feelings for you last week, then you tell me you probably could never have feelings for me, but NO GIRL EVER GIVES YOU A CHANCE? How do you really think that makes ME feel? A girl who gave you a chance. A girl who put up with a lot of crap she didn't have to. Damn, I look like an idiot.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

PLEASE. Why can't you JUST be real with me? You know what I want so why won't you tell me what you want? Is it because you know it's something I probably don't want to hear? If so, then spare me the details and don't mess with my mind anymore. It's been too long and I've put too much into being with you to have everything come crashing down on my head. At least if you tell me now I won't have to go through the pain of finding out in the future when you find someone better. If you want me, ....please just be real with me.

Let us die young or let us live forever.

Some are like water, some are like the heat, Some are the melody and some are the beat, But sooner or later they all will be gone, Why don't they stay young?

Something's made your eyes go cold.

Could you tell me what happened? Could you tell me what I did? Where did everything go?
I'm strung out and confused. I thought you wanted me. I thought you liked me. I thought I was going to get what I wanted for a change. I thought we had something. What happened? What did I do? What changed?
What happened to the hugs from behind and the cute little compliments? What happened to the legitimate texting conversations even though you don't text that much? What happened to sneaking up behind me and putting my hood over my head? What happened to the way you would look into my eyes and I'd ask "What?" and you'd just smile and say "Oh nothing". What happened to spending time with each other? What happened?
I thought you said I made you feel special? I thought you said that you thought I was special? What happened to going out or coming over after work? What happened to giggling with each other behind the bar? What happened to the little glances at me when you thought I wasn't looking? What happened to making me blush and joyfully pointing it out? I thought you said it WAS sincere?
It was like in the blink of an eye everything was gone. It happened too instantly and it hurts. I swear I thought we were going to have something. I can't get over how it literally came to a halt out of no where. I don't know what happened and it's ripping me to bits.
Please, please, PLEASE... whatever it was, please give me another chance?

Some nights.

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...

You light up my world like nobody else.

I'm broken. Do you hear me?

I'm unbelievably depressed all the time. My mother has gone off the deep end since my stepfather and her got a divorce. She stresses me out. I don't even know who she is anymore. I use to respect her so much, but all of that is gone. It makes me angrier knowing that I can't talk back to her because either she will absolutely despise me for the next to week, while completely neglecting me; or yell more at me because I am a disrespectful daughter. I don't feel like I'm allowed to have opinions with her. I am a child to her only because I live under her roof, but when need be, I'm an adult who should be able to take care of herself because I'm 18 years old.
I feel like I have no friends because no one is hardly there for me. I have no one to actually open up to because no one really gives a fuck. No one knows me anymore because no one cares enough to find out who I am or is willing to except me for who I am. Even in a room surrounded by people, I'm still all alone. No one has time for me.
All I want to do is break down and cry, and the worst part is, I have no one to actually care about me or who even cares that I'm upset.

All I want is for someone to care. Is that too much to ask?