#therapy

TRUTH: It makes me happy to see others happy, but I often contemplate why it's never me.

Fuck my life.

I know I can't take one more step towards you ‘cause all that's waiting is regret.

It took so long just to feel alright.
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes?
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,
‘cause you broke all your promises.
And now you're back.
You don't get to get me back.

For me hating this day, it turned out absolutely perfect this year (:

January 26th, again.

I'm so happy I'm getting over how much I hate this day.

You're beautiful, every little piece love.

I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty.

Why do I depend on someone who is so undependable?

I can't find your pulse.

What the fuck is everyone's problem?

Damn.

Wish I were a little girl without the weight of the world.

It would be nice
to start over again,
Before we were men.
I'd give, I'd bend.
Let's play pretend.

My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

My heart is the worst kind of weapon.

Excuse the post about the rant earlier this morning.
So I have something to write about now. Like a real blog.

My heart has been having a huge... well... confusion? Would you say confusion? I guess. I'll go with it. It's basically been getting messed up lately because of all the shit I keep putting it through. I love, like, and use to love (still kind of do) three people and my heart really doesn't know what to do.

I'm so in love. A love I really can't beat. Nothing whatsoever will make it go away or has made it go away. I still lay up at night thinking. Which I know I shouldn't. I know it's impossible. It always will be, but I don't know why my heart holds on. It's been years and years. I've been through so much. My heart just won't let it go.

There is also this boy I just recently got over after about a 6 month thing. We never dated but it was basically like we were dating. He was a sweet guy, but totally didn't want to commit to me. He pretty much just wanted to be friends with benefits (?) I guess. I 'm not sure. He liked having someone to talk to all the time. He liked having someone to text all the time and call every night. Of course I loved that too. I loved having someone there. But every time we got close, he would push me away. He would make some sort of excuse that would throw me back. Then I would have to work back toward what we had. It was like he had me on a string. Like a yo-yo. As soon I would get to the top, he would throw me back down. It was easy and fast to get back up, but he would once again throw me down. Finally, I got tired of being thrown down, so on the way down I broke the string and fell to the ground away from him. I still care about him, and sometimes I want to try to redo our friendship, but I'm pretty much convinced we can't have a real friendship without being like we're in a relationship.

Then, this boy I like. Wow. He gives me butterflies (something I'm not use to). He's smart, cute, funny, artistic, and so many other things. He's polite and a gentleman. He's the complete opposite of an asshole. I love when he texts me or calls me. I even like just thinking about him. He gets my mind of off the two people above. Which, that's lovely to get away from. He's everything to love in a boy, and everything I'd want from a boy. A boyfriend and a best friend. He makes me want to dance around my room in circles and sing. Something tells me he will either make me or break me.

I'm not depressed, I'm not sad. I'm not crying. I'm not thinking anything bad. My hearts just been through a lot lately, and it was something I needed to write about.
And I did.

You're kidding me.

Be prepared for a rant in about two hours.

It doesn't hurt when I think of you and all the things we'll never get to do.

I don't miss you at all.

I guess that I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best .

You're all that I hoped I'd find
in every single way.
And everything I could give
is everything you couldn't take.
'Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away.
And the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay.

Hes got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition. I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him?

But I never told you what I should have said. No, I never told you. I just held it in.

I see your blue eyes
every time I close mine.
You make it hard to see
where I belong to when I'm not
around you.
It's like I'm not with me.

North and south poles.

Last night I had another one of my odd dreams.

I was with the person I loved the most, and every time we went to kiss... it wouldn't happen. Almost like when you put two of the same poles of magnets together and they'll get really close, they just won't touch.If you don't push hard enough, they'll slide away.
We were sitting on my bed, and every time... it just wouldn't happen.
It was almost like it just wasn't meant to happen.



It's no one's fault.

It kind of goes with the theory that we're too much alike to be together.
But you'd think it would be opposite.

You don't get to get me back.

This video is beautiful. Beautiful song by Christina Perri, and beautiful dancing.

"Hang on little fearless heart.
Live with integrity.
Love fearlessly.
And
Dance.dance.dance."
-Keltie Colleen

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

Will you take a moment?
Promise me this;
That you'll stand by me forever,
but if god forbid fate should step in
and force us into a goodbye,
if you have children some day,
when they point to the pictures
please tell them my name.
Tell them how the crowds went wild.
Tell them how I hope they shine.

My heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.

Now there's an aching in my back;
a stabbing pain that says I lack,
the common sense and confidence,
to bring an end to promises,
that I make in times of desperate conversation,
hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end.
Just say when.